hi there, we would like to ask a favor of you. Would you, if you would be so kind, please count down to the destruction of the earth with us.
Your initial reaction is not surprising. But before I explain how the end of humanity and actually the entire planet, I'd like to reassure you that there is nothing you can do to stop it. Like some force of nature we must surrender to the inevitability of it.
we are gonna blow shit up. A lot of shit. For a long time. Our calculations are rough but we estimate that with the increased demand in blowing shit up, and the prevalence of people in CheHELLYes capable of fulfilling said up shit blowing demands that the earth will certainly be knocked out of orbit.
Because this is happening at night the earth will be sent into the direction of the sun. From that point it is only a matter of time before the earth becomes engulfed by our star. This is regrettable because we kind of like the planet and just last week the SPF 4.0371 x 10 the 58th power was on sale.
You should know that we did not come to this decision lightly. we had to debate, for considerable moments, the prospect of leaving the earth unharmed.
AND THEN WE REMEMBERED THAT WE ARE MUTHA FUCKIN MERIKINS
and that not blowing up the earth would be a rejection of ourselves.
So you will have to forgive us for being ourselves as we blow a hole in the earth the size of your mom.
The good news is that you are aware! In fact you might want to make a game of it. Ask your neighbors if they know about the end of the planet, then when they say, "No, I was under the impression that the end of life as we know it was not about to change." you can nod and say
"you should try reading a blog sometime" then let it sink in as you slowly walk away smugly contemplating the meaning of our brief existence.
You have 48 hours left.
